Paranoia, phobias and panic attacks. Oh my!

Do not read if you share my phobia of eight legged monsters.

I was just jolted out of whatever calmish (for once) state I was in by a thud. If I wasn’t so fricking paranoid I could have assumed it was my boyfriend turning out the light but I had to go check that we didn’t have intruders. Upstairs was fine but I didn’t make it to the bottom of the them before spotting an intruder by the front door.

It was one of those giant 3″ leg span, eight legged monstrosities. I almost screamed. I went back upstairs for my spider catcher but as I got halfway down I realised my weapon was far too small to cope. I didn’t have anything suitable in the bedroom so I had to sneak past it to get to the kitchen. I grabbed a pint glass and an A5 Amazon envelope and tried approaching again. I almost got there but I could tell the pint glass was also far too small. I retreated to the kitchen fearing I’d never make it back to bed. Then I remember the glass mixing bowls. I hunted out the smaller of the two and tried again. It took me several attempts but I finally got close enough to trap the monster. Now all I had to do was get the cardboard underneath . . . The monster stayed very still as I slid the card under the bowl. Even when I nudged its leg it remained still. Then it moved onto the card and I slid the bowl over so it was properly trapped. That’s when the fucking thing started frantically running round and round and round and up and down the glass and I was shaking and hyperventilating and making the quietest screaching sounds between my teeth whilst trying not to drop the fucking thing. I wasn’t sure how stiff the card was. Would it bend enough to allow the monster to escape onto me?!? Argh! I hyperventilated some more. Was I going to be stuck there all night? How long could I hold that heavy bowl before dropping it? It took me too long to figure out that if I moved it lower down the wall it would be much easier to get it off the wall. Yay! One step closer to vanquishing the beast. So there’s me, the monster in a glass bowl with a cardboard envelope on top and my next problem. The front door. The double locked front door. The double locked front door with the key in a rather awkward place. Fuckity fuckweasels! I hold the bowl as still as I possibly can and reach precariously for the key. The monster must have sensed something had changed because now he’s facing me at the bottom of his prison and trying to charge at me. Fortunately the steepness or smoothness of the glass is preventing him from climbing up and escaping. I turn the key, unlock the yale lock and open it ever so slightly. I couldn’t risk a gust of wind blowing the cardboard off the top of the monster’s prison. With the cardboard once again secure I nudge the door open with my arm and exit the building. I head towards the fire station and now I have another problem. This monster is freakishly fast. He can’t climb out the bowl so I’m going to have to put the cardboard on the groud and lift the bowl off him. But what if he runs towards me or worse onto me before I can get away? How do I retrieve the cardboard? It still has a name and address on it. We’ll be done for littering! Fuck! I should have dealt with that before I used it! I must have stood there whimpering for a good couple of minutes. It took my a while to work out that I could slide the cardboard out from under the bowl. One problem down but now I’ve created a new one. The monster is a similar colour to the paving slabs. It’s now harder to identify him. Shit! I stood and whimpered some more as I desperately tried to pluck up the courage to lift the glass bowl. What if I abandon it and just buy Mark a new one? Then I noticed something about the neighbouring slabs. They’re not even. This one is higher. If I slide the bowl over to that area the monster can get out and I can be at a safe distance and retrieve the bowl once he’s gone. I slide the bowl over. The monster does a circuit but doesn’t leave. WTF? I figure I didn’t give him enough room and slide it some more. He does another circuit but still doesn’t leave. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS MONSTER?!? I nudge it a tiny bit more and this time he does leave. He makes a beeline for the bushes whilst I grab the bowl and cardboard and leg it back inside. All this time the door has been open so I have to do another check of the premises for intruders. All clear. Just a rather confused hamster.

I head upstairs to bed.

(Why didn’t I wake my boyfriend? Because he had no sleep last night and was suffering for it earlier today and I didn’t want to make him worse. He needs to be sociable on Wednesday! That’s when we hang the exhibition. It’s going to be hell.)


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