On being triggered.

Just self-harmed for the first time in ages due to a lying cockweasel at a bus stop. He accused Mark and I of queue jumping when we were at the stop before he was. The reason I couldn’t stand at the stop was because of him. He deliberately chose to smoke upwind of the stop and I had to move to somewhere where I could breathe. When the 7 arrived Mark and I were at the stop and Mark signalled the bus to stop which made the man go apeshit at Mark accusing him of queue jumping and more. He pushed in front and loudly lied to the driver about us. I quietly set the driver straight and as we left the bus and I leaned over and said to the man, “May God have mercy on your soul for queue jumping and then lying about it.” It had the desired effect. He looked ready to explode while his female friend demanded to know what I’d said. He pretended he hadn’t heard but I know he did. As the bus drove past I smiled and waved at him. I’m evil. 

Why did I self-harm? He triggered an extreme emotional response in me. I managed to contain it on the bus by coming up with something truly vile to say to him but I had to change my plans. I couldn’t risk going to Sainsburys so went straight to Mark’s. My emotions refused to settle and I couldn’t handle that so I did what I know helps.


1 thought on “On being triggered.

  1. ….anything can bring an unwanted reaction onto me, even just having a regular conversation with a neighbour, causing me to self-evaluate endlessly afterwards, analysing what I said, with little barbs of conversations-past entering in, reminding me I say dumb things. After conducting meetings, I can expect at least an hour of this self-analyzation. I don’t understand its connection to my childhood sexual abuse, but it must arise from it. It goes away if I breathe and focus on what is happening ‘now’. I have successfully navigated my way through useful therapies, making difficult decisions towards healing (having to give up harmful/unhelpful choices) and have a calm, settled life. but still, the emotional sabotage continues. The great thing about those aftermath aspects we share as survivors, is that we KNOW what they are, and we KNOW how to handle them, and we KNOW how to avoid the triggers. And that…..is everything. Thank you for sharing your experiences with others.

Penny for your thoughts?

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