Today has been rather crap and it can sod right off now.
Sometimes I wonder if my diagnosis somehow attracts all the crapness in the world. Or is this normal and I have an idealised idea of normalcy?
Last night Mark and I made the difficult decision to say goodbye to our last remaining hamster, Twitch. His quality of life has significantly deteriorated over the past week. I spent a fair chunk of last night crying. Unfortunately today was the first day of Much More Than a Label training at Argyle House. I had to be there before 10am as training started at 10 but we needed time to eat the Greggs breakfast order which I was supposed to get. Tomorrow would have been just as infeasible. I called the West End Veterinary Practice at 8.30am an got an appointment for 10am. Woke Mark, grabbed bag and coat and hamster (failed to take my book project exhibit as it wasn’t behaving – couldn’t get it to go in it’s normal bag) and walked to the bus stop. Got lucky with a 37 becoming a 47 and got off on Lothian Road, got the Greggs order and walked to Argyle House with the hamster. Dumped bags, showed off Twitch, ate my roll and Mark and I took him to the vets. She examined him and found a mass in his abdomen. It was definitely time to say goodbye so we did.
Stopped off in Scoff afterwards and then headed back to training leaving Twitch with Mark. Training was ok but I screwed up something at lunch time. There was a bit of a crash in the afternoon which actually came in useful as it coincided with the suicidal bit of the BPD diagnostic criteria. I was able to give a first hand right here right now account of exactly how that felt. I warned them first and made sure they knew I’d be safe tonight. I didn’t want to worry anyone.
I’m now back at Mark’s. Cried for the first time today during Mark’s WFRP game as there was talk of cruelty to snails. I freaked out and the floodgates opened.
Today can sod off. Tomorrow is day two of the training, Thursday is the conference where I have to present a poster (argh!) and Friday is leaving the country for a New Model Army gig in London.
I can has sleep soon? Preferably without the hypnogogic hallucinations and anxiety dreams and dizziness? Please?
Update: I never made it to day two of Much More Than a Label. I woke up that morning exhausted and determined to get just a little bit more sleep and then I reasoned I could always turn the clock back and it would be early again so I’d make it on time. Yup, I woke up believing I could time travel. I phoned and cancelled and then went back to bed.